Take Control By Letting Go
I have a confession to make. I'm a control freak. Can I get an amen?
If you know me personally, this is likely not coming as a shock to you. In my perfect world, I'd have control over my outcomes, timing, and other people. It's no wonder I love writing screenplays where I essentially get to play God for the poor characters in my stories who are just trying to make it to the happy ending.
As the main character in the screenplay known as my life, I have historically battled frustration when things don't go the way I want them to.
Over the past few years, since diving deeper down the personal development rabbit hole, I have slowly but surely loosened my grip. I've gotten better at letting go. Better at trusting the universe. Better at believing there's a plan for me that's more fulfilling than anything I could dream up for myself.
In my "Life Is Like Surfing" blog, I wrote about leading life with your intuition. Looking for the best waves. Letting go, knowing you can't control the waves. I feel more in touch with that intuition than I ever have.
But it wasn't until today that I realized I was missing half the equation—taking control of the things that ARE in your control.
I've grown into a fairly disciplined person. I make my bed most days, workout regularly, read daily, eat in alignment with whatever current fad diet I'm into (haha), and meditate almost every day. These things have become a way of centering myself, but it wasn't until now that I realized their importance.
When it comes to external circumstances, we can choose to LET GO, or we can choose to CONTROL (which I should really rephrase as "attempt to control").
When it comes to internal circumstances, we can also choose to LET GO, or we can choose to CONTROL. If we try and CONTROL the external, while simultaneously LETTING GO of the internal (what we actually have control over)—we spiral into depression. I've been there. It's debilitating.
If we try and CONTROL the external, while simultaneously CONTROLLING the internal (again, what we actually have control over)—we become overwhelmed with anxiety. I've been there too. It's exhausting.
If we learn to LET GO of the external, while simultaneously LETTING GO of the internal—we feel relaxed, but also devoid of motivation. I've spent some time here as well, and it's not a bad place to be. But, I've found it's best used sparingly as it tends to be pretty unproductive, haha.
If, on the other hand, we learn to LET GO of the external, while simultaneously CONTROLLING the internal—magic happens. It becomes impossible to fail.
Action without expectation is a form of unconditional love.
When I pet my dog Lambert, I'm not doing it with the expectation that he's going to love me more. There's no outcome other than the behavior itself. The satisfaction lies in the action, not the outcome.
Working out because I'm trying to gain 5lbs of muscle is more exhausting because I'm using energy to compare where I am now with where I'm not.
When I drop that comparison and work out just because it's an act of love for my body, the reverse happens—I gain energy.
It's a lot like gift-giving. If someone you love gives you a gift on Christmas (likely something we've come to expect), it feels good. But, if someone you love gives you a gift "just because," it feels downright INCREDIBLE.
Think of discipline as a gift to yourself, not because you want some outcome in return, but "just because."
EXTRA CREDIT: If this resonates with you, I invite you to consider the following exercise. So, grab a pen (NO DIGITAL!!) and answer this question:
In what area of your life do you wish you had more discipline? Maybe it's your thoughts, diet, exercise, money, organization or simply making your bed each day.
Answer here: __________________
What action (or behavior) would you like be doing consistently in this area of your life?
Answer here: __________________
ON A SEPARATE SHEET OF PAPER...
What outcome are you trying to achieve by taking this action?
Answer here: ___________________
Now hold that sheet of paper and say the following out loud: "I trust that [read the outcome] will happen in its own time in its own way."
Next, rip that piece of paper to shreds. Heck, burn it if you like! But either way, physically destroy it.
Lastly, take the action you wrote down immediately. If you wrote down "make my bed," go make your bed right now! I don't care if it's already made, unmake it, then make it again. But THIS TIME, I want yo to do it SLOWLY.
Whatever the action, take TWICE AS LONG to do it as you normally would. As you do this, I want you to pay attention to every little sensation involved. What shape is your body in? What do the sheets feel like in your hands? Pay attention to all your senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, and feel.
Thank yourself for this gift "just because."
