Boundaries: The Art of Reading a Map
I remember as a kid getting excited every time our family road trip would take us over the state line. Growing up on a steady diet of Disney movies and storybooks, it always felt like we were entering some magical land. I’d peer out the window to see the state sign approaching and celebrate as we passed. Sometimes we’d even stop and take a picture by it. Looking at a map, it’s so easy to see the boundaries separating states and countries. But when you’re actually there, the only thing that lets you know of the delineation is a sign. There’s no line, no wall (usually), it just looks the same. Without the sign, you wouldn’t even know there’s a boundary.
In the world of relationships, we all have our own boundaries, and no two are exactly the same. Take hugging for example. Some people are comfortable hugging strangers, others prefer not to even hug their friends. Some people quickly delve into conversations about politics and religion, others find that offputting, even offensive. Just like the real world there usually won’t be a wall or a visible line. At best, you’ll get a sign as to where people’s boundaries are, which is why knowing how to read a map is really important.
Our personal boundaries act as rules someone else must follow in order for us to enjoy and grow the relationship. When someone crosses a boundary, we get upset. The more someone crosses our boundaries, the more we push them out of our lives. Sometimes we tell them why we’re pissed, and sometimes we just passively stop communication. Sometimes they agree to respect your boundaries, and sometimes they debate the validity of them. I don’t believe anyone’s boundaries are inherently right or wrong. They’re just that person’s boundaries. So the question isn’t “what boundaries should people have?” The question is “how do you navigate people’s boundaries in a way that works?” A way that allows the relationship to be enjoyed and grow.
Step one is learning to read the map of social behavior. As a student of human nature, I’m always observing how people react in various situations. I find it endlessly fascinating, and it fuels my love of songwriting and screenwriting. Not judging why people do or say something, but understanding why they do or say it. The more I observe, the clearer the map becomes. This increases my ability to read people and social cues. To see the signs when boundaries are approaching. Then before taking a few more steps forward that might cross the boundary, I can ask them where the line is. Most people have no problem telling you where their boundaries are if you ask. This conversation not only keeps you from crossing the line, it tells you how much more room you have to work with. Our richest relationships are typically those that live at the edges of our boundaries. But it’s a fine line, literally. Without communication, you’ll either lose the relationship because you went too far, or it won’t grow because you didn’t go far enough. And who knows, you might even find through honest conversation your boundaries grow from time to time.
As for your own rules, I’ve found the key to successful relationships is being open and forthcoming about them. It can feel weird when someone tells you where their boundaries are before you approach them, but it’s also very liberating. I could do a much better job of setting boundaries up front with my relationships, both personal and business. If not up front, then having the conversation when someone crosses a boundary is vital to saving the relationship. It gives the other person a chance to apologize and choose to act differently around you in the future. If they don’t, then at least you know that your rules aren’t compatible. Neither one of you is right or wrong, it just doesn’t work.
There will always be people who agree with you and help defend your boundaries. That’s true of all people and all boundaries. When a majority of people in a community choose to adopt the same boundaries, it becomes a social norm, but it doesn’t make it right. Just what works for that community and its goals.
Do you have relationships you don’t enjoy or aren’t growing? If so, there might be a mismatch between your behavior and their boundaries. If you’re crossing boundaries, it’s up to you to get better at reading maps. Err on the conservative side and use conversation to discover the boundaries. If your boundaries are being crossed, don’t simply shun the person, start a conversation. Give them a chance to play by your rules. We all get to choose our rules, and they can change over time. After all, how are we supposed to have fun playing the game of relationships if we don’t know the rules?
